Posting days: Sunday and Wednesday and, sometimes, maybe, extra ‘news flashes’!
Sunday March 6th 2016
Marge Poops Kings Heath UK
Please help me.
My human doesn’t understand me.
I’ve increased my weight by a third over the last eighteen months so I’m not ravenous any more. I no longer want to eat my Dentistix and, although I always try not to upset my special park friends like Gra., Bev. and Ja. by refusing their offerings, to be frank, I’m a bit fed up with gravy bones too. I do appreciate that one needs to keep in with humans because sometimes they give you cheese, home-made liver cake, Markies or something else really special.
Now I’m sure this is all very straightforward and perfectly reasonable to you. And, dammit, two of my vets told silly Human that I’ve reached my ideal weight. One of them said that I am what he calls ‘a slim dog’. Hmmm. Not like that fat bulldog in the waiting room. Slim. I glowed with pride and I liked that vet very much – until he squeezed my anal glands. (Just shows I was right not to trust anybody for the first twelve months, doesn’t it?)
Anyway, my mind is wandering: must be the company I keep.
Just because I don’t fancy a Dentistix, stupid Human thinks I’m coming down with something. She keeps following me around, looking at me. Why can’t she understand that I don’t want a b. bit of Dentistix digging into my bottom every time I try to sit on the futon or in my bed?
“You used to love these. You used to get hysterical if you lost a bit”, she says sadly.
“Yes, idiot”, I think, “I was starving, wasn’t I?”
Then she opens a new bag of Burns. I usually have lamb and brown rice or chicken and brown rice. This is fish and brown rice. I sniff it carefully before walking off and returning to the back room. You’d think my nose had dropped off, the fuss she makes.
“Oh dear. What’s the matter, sweetheart?”, she coos sloppily, “Does your little stomach hurt?”
How many times do I have to show her? I like fish but not everything that’s got a fishy flavour.
“But you always ate anything I gave you”, she drones on, “You chewed up my jumpers, gnawed holes in the washing, scavenged under logs for disgusting bits in the park and snarled and growled if I dragged you away. When you stayed in Wales you ate a whole large sweet potato with the earth still on it. You even found a condom in the car park and gulped that down before I could stop you.
I was HUNGRY. BLOODY HUNGRY, you fool. Do you imagine I enjoyed eating that disgusting stuff? I didn’t know there would be something to eat tomorrow as well as today, did I?
I am at my wits end. I live alone so have no other dogs to confide in. I mentioned my problem to Rufus and Nancy in passing but they say they never have enough to eat. Conchobhar advises me to do as he does and just throw up anything I don’t really want. Daz says a dog can never have too much of a good thing and suggests I hide any extras in my human’s knicker drawer like he does.
Desperately waiting for your reply.
P.S. I’m sending the letter anyway, just in case, but I think I may have cracked it.
Last week it was quite warm and I ran around a lot. Because my tongue was hanging out she insisted I take a drink from the communal dog bowl in the park. I was so thirsty I gave in. But it was a very dangerous thing to do, so I was very jumpy, cowering when I felt any vibration, waiting all the time for other fierce dogs to drive me off. I did have a short drink but I was terrified. Anyone could have attacked me and stolen the water.
Human looked quite upset. I think it may have dawned on her at last. I now realise there are no other dogs or people in my kitchen. It’s safe to eat and drink there. I’M NOT HUNGRY ANY MORE.
Isis came from the Aeza cat and dog rescue and adoption centre in Aljezur, Portugal. For information about adopting an animal from the centre, contact email@example.com or www.dogwatchuk.co.uk