Posting day: Sunday, and, sometimes, maybe, extra bits in between.
Monday May 17th 2021
I: Well, it’s a right rubbish time I’m having these last few weeks. When are you having your tooth out?
H: What on earth are you moaning about? I have the infected tooth, not you.
I: Yes but you’re so crabby and you’re not meeting my needs.
H: What needs am I not meeting?
I: For a start I want that mouse out of here. It’s annoying the hell out of me.
H: That’s nothing to do with my tooth. I’ve explained lots of times. We have to wait until the weather’s warmer. It can’t go out yet. It’ll die.
I: I don’t care if it dies.
H: Isis! What has the poor little mouse done to you?
I: It smells. It poops and pees all over the place, even on its food dish. It’s very unhijeanik. It leaves its stinky cent all over my dog bed. At night when I’m asleep it comes on the day bed looking for my treat crumbs. And I know you give it my gravy bones and Markies.
H: Well, not often. Yes, I agree, it does have nasty habits.
I: And since you got a bad tooth, things don’t happen at the right time. Lots of times I don’t get my tea until seven o’clock and my breakfast until after eleven because you stay in bed moaning and groaning or go to sleep on the day bed until past tea time. It’s not right.
H: I don’t know why you’re complaining. You won’t eat your breakfast anyway. You just bark at it and walk off.
I: Only because the light’s funny in the morning. That’s not the point. It should be in my dish at the right time. It’s my breakfast. I can eat it when I want to. And that’s not all. You’re being very nasty to me when I jump up and down in the porch while you’re putting my harness on.
H: Yes, well my tooth hurts when I bend down.
I: Fuff! And you shout when I tip the shelf up with my paw and everything falls on the floor.
H: Yes, because I have to bend down again and pick everything up.
I: You don’t bark at your breakfast, but you keep yelling “Arrrrrrrrgh” and “Ow” and throwing things around. It’s very alarming for a dog. Anyway, you often shout “Arrrrrrrrrgh” and “Ow” when you’re not eating.
H: That’s because my mouth’s sore.
I: Why is your mouth sore?
H: Because I bit a jam doughnut straight out of the microwave.
I: Why did you bite a hot doughnut straight out of the microwave?
H: Because it felt just right on the outside and I forgot that the jam would be boiling hot.
I: If you put hot food in my dish, I wouldn’t eat it. I’d know it was hot inside and –
H: Yes, All right. All right.
I: Anyway, just because you’ve got a sore mouth and tooth and a bad knee, you shouldn’t do nasty things to me.
H: Isis! I never do nasty things to you.
I: Yes you do. Two weeks ago you pushed me off a bridge and into a ditch. Then you lay on the bridge face down and stared at me. Then you were bad tempered all the way back to the car.
H: I didn’t mean to push you off the bridge. I slipped on some mud. Yes, I was bad tempered. My knee was cut. It hurt.
I: That was a long time ago. You’re still doing nasty things.
H: What on earth do you mean?
I: You’re killing my teddy.
H: Don’t be ridiculous! Your teddy is in the bathroom drying.
I: You killed him. His insides are in the kitchen. I can smell them.
H: They’re drying too.
I: I don’t believe you. Humans tell lies to animals. Daisy told me.
H: Oh, for goodness sake. I’ll put his insides back in and sew him up.
I: You can’t sew.
H: I’ll do my best.
I: When are you having your tooth out?
I: Thank dog for that.
I’m going in my own bed to be with my polar bear.
*Isis came from the Aeza cat and dog rescue and adoption centre in Aljezur, Portugal. For information about adopting an animal from the centre, contact email@example.com or www.dogwatchuk.co.uk