Posting days: Sunday and Wednesday and, sometimes, maybe, extra bits in between.
Wednesday April 3rd 2019
Human: After going nuts on Sunday, you growl and snap at yourself on and off all evening.
Dog! It’s annoying. I’m trying to work on your blog and by the time I’ve finished, my face aches with all the jaw clenching. I make lots of mistakes. Then, when I’m in bed, you do your dog-nightmare piercing shriek carry-ons two or three times at ridiculous o’clock.
What on earth is the matter with you?
Isis: You know I had a hard time in the park. And, if you must know, I’ve got nasty things stuck on my bottom. And my anal glands need emptying. You’ve no idea what it’s like to be a dog and have to rely on dozy humans.
(It’s Monday morning, and dog’s wake up time)
Human: Hello, sweetheart. Hello my little podengo. (Kisses Hairy One’s nose)
Isis: Whoohoo! Oh, how wonderful! It’s morning. (Wags tail at length and leans heavily against Human) I love dog’s wake up time. Another day! How exciting!
Human: Well, someone’s changed its tune since yesterday.
Isis: (continuing to wag tail vigorously?) YES! My collar’s going on. Oh – the double tap under the chin! Hurray! We’re going out!
Human: Feeling O.K. now, dear?
Isis: (rushing up the hall and into the porch and beginning to bounce up and down vigorously) Yaaaarrrrroooooooooooooooooooooo!
Human: (trying to ease Isis into her car safety harness) B. hell, Isis. That’s penetrated my *!^^%* ear drum. KEEP STILL, you silly dog. (Opens porch door to distract Hairy One, and, clutching bottle of water, gloves, lead and keys, staggers onto the drive.)
Isis: Huff! Huff! Snuffle! Huff!
(She smells innocent pedestrian walking along the pavement outside her house.) (Grrrrrr! Snarlyap! Snarlyyap!
Human: (simpering at terrified pedestrian) ISIS! People are allowed to walk along the pavement.
Isis: So you say. Yerrrroff! Wurgle, wurgle.*
Human: (much later) That was a lovely walk, wasn’t it sweetie-pie?
Isis: For dog’s sake.
Back at home, human makes an appointment with the RSPCA, Newlands Farm, for the next day.
In the evening, she decides a good groom is in order so that she is not shown up at the appointment.
Isis has had another walk and her evening meal and looks relaxed and sleepy.
Isis: Phooooooooooooooooooooo …… phuffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff …..
Human proffers hand for Isis to sniff, and gently begins to brush her back with the softest brush.
Human: (stupidly) Nice brush-brush, dear. Go back to sleep.
Isis: Pherlumph ………………………………..
Human brushes and combs Hairy One gently, rhythmically, gradually working her way towards poor Hairy One’s rear end.
Human: Oh dear, dear, dear, Isis. Neglectful Human. (She begins to snip. She continues to snip for another thirty minutes.)
What a good girl. What an amazingly good girl. You’ve not even growled.
Isis (wincing): Of course I’m not growling. I don’t get a treat if I growl, twit. You’ve no idea what this is costing me. Just shut your face and get on with it.
Human: There, dear, we’ve finished now.
Isis: Thank dog for that. Come on, come on. Put my collar on, for dog’s sake.
Human replaces Hairy One’s collar. Hairy One catapults herself off the day bed and into her dog bed, sits up straight as a ramrod, like a very good dog, and waits expectantly.
Human: Here you are dear. What an amazingly well-behaved dog. Who’s my excellent little podengo. What a magnificent animal. What a lovely little dog. (Gives Isis a Markie.)
* a ‘wurgle’ is one of Hairy One’s specialities. It’s a sort of strangulated gurgle.
*Isis came from the Aeza cat and dog rescue and adoption centre in Aljezur, Portugal. For information about adopting an animal from the centre, contact email@example.com or www.dogwatchuk.co.uk